Sunday, August 19, 2012
So I woke up this morning to pretty much the same BS. Him saying he was sorry for making me feel pain. Us saying we were through, and about 2 hours worth of silence. I went for a drive to cry and attempt to clear my head; which never really works. I return to my house to lay down and he shows up. He has a bag to collect his "stuff" and gives me back my keys. In the process of filling up his bag, we go through the ususal "do you want it to be over?", "tell me to my face", "he really loves me and wants to work it out", "just because he cheats doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want me, its just what he does"... blah blah blah At this point I'm crying my eyes out because I'm in so much pain. Can't believe I love this man. A man who can do this repeatedly, and it's only because I allow him too. Not sure what is that tells me to keep letting men cheat on me. Not sure if it's my lost father, no siblings, single mom who hustled for everything, or my weak and insecure nature. He once called me a weak, insecure bitch. It hurt like hell that he saw me like that. Other people see me as so many other things, he makes me believe I'm weak.
So I woke up in the middle of the night to a bunch of lies. "I miss you" "I want to see you" "Please don't do this" etc.. The funny thing about all of these email messages is that, I'm sure since I didn't answer, he went to sleep with the next person in line. Crazy that someone could claim they love you but go right out and smile, kiss and fuck so many different women. With this man, there's 2 other women that seem to have a strong hold on him. Marina, a girlfriend from 20 years ago, who they've been fucking for that long; and Carlisha, a girlfriend for almost 4 years, who bailed him out of jail and has been a financial support to him ever since they met. Me, I'm just a girlfriend from 20 years ago that he forgot about, and we were trying to re-kindle a spark. It's been 16 months for us, nothing compared to the others. The funny thing is when I had a conversation with Carlisha, she was quick to remind me of that. Something she was so sure to say, almost like he told her that, and she was just repeating it to me.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Again today I had to deal with lies. So in continuiing with the lies from last night, today I told him that I needed to get away from him for a while. The thought that he can so easily go from one to another has gotten to be too much for me. It's been over 16 months and the same lies, resulting in the same pain, are still being told by the same man. Last night he lied. Today he lied about last night. The Facebook account that was suppose to be "gone" resurfaced when I blocked the alias Facebook account. Responding to a post about going to a concert, we were suppose to attend, by being a smart ass. This man doesn't know how to tell the truth. He doesn't know how to be honest; and he doesn't know how to treat women. He's had women chase him and put up with so much bullshit that that's required as a "normal occurrence" if you decide to be with him. He blames every fuck on the fact he was gone for so many years. At what point are the mistakes going to be the result of him just being a fucked up person?
Love is the most painful emotional. I know what it is suppose to be, but it's never been that. It's never been this fairytale life that I been able to enjoy. Love has always treated me wrong. Slaps me in the face and reminds me that I'm not as important, pretty, sexy or worthy, as I tend to think I am. Right now, as I type this, the man that I've practically ruined my life for is probably laying next to a woman who he swears he's no longer seeing, not giving a damn about what he's doing to my trust. For a year and a half, I've done everything for this man. Tried to be every thing I could be to make him see and believe in the love I have, and want him to share. It amazes me what all woman (or people in general) are willing to put up with, just to be able to "say" they are in a relationship. Even if they know they are really NOT, because they may be seeing someone on a regular basis; having sex with them and believing this means anything to the other person. I feel like I'm repeating a very horrible life experience for the second time in my life. It's all starting out to be the same, and the irony is that both men last name is "Gibson." Gibson #2 lied about a woman in his life, which turned out to be more than 1. Has been caught red handed with this woman; takes pictures with other woman and sleeps with multiple women. He rebuttal is ... "if you don't want to fuck with me, don't" How do you stop yourself from believing? How do you tell your heart it got it wrong, and to wrap it up so we can move on? Where are the directions for walking away from someone because you know they are horrible for you? How can a person be so heartless they can look in your face and tell you lie after lie? Even when they've seen you cry; watched your pain; seen you struggle with every fear, emotion and doubt.' What the fuck am I going to do about this shit?